RESTORE THIS DAUGHTER TO HER DAD

In every relationship there are joys, trials, disagreements and discussions. It seems to me that there are truly only three sides to every issue: “his” side, “her” side, and the truth. Often the truth is a conglomerate of the other two sides, but there are times where absolutely nothing seems to jibe.

In the case of a very dear friend of mine, the “truth” is by far stranger and more horrifying than anything imaginable. I have been a witness to the trauma not only my friend is being subjected to, but that his daughter is being subjected to as well. I am no stranger to trauma, I suffer lasting effects of PTSD stemming from a career as a paramedic in an urban 911 system. No matter the cause of the trauma to the individual, the symptoms are the same, as are the costs on a person’s mental, physical and emotional well-being. I am also experienced with the tragedy of innocent bystanders (namely children) being caught in the wreckage of selfish, destructive, vindictive patterns of behavior.

This innocent little girl is being exposed to behavior that can only be damaging to her future. One of the best gifts I have ever experienced in being a parent is having the opportunity to teach my son how to be a good man, and to show him how a good woman should behave. Our children learn from our examples, and that is both an awesome and heady responsibility. There is a theory out there that girls often wind up with men similar to their fathers. Now, I realize this may be a positive thing or a negative thing, depending on what sort of man her father is or was. In this particular case, I see a loving, devoted man who is willing to do anything humanly possible to make sure his daughter has everything she could want or need in life. He is willing to sacrifice his own needs and desires to ensure her happiness. The thought that this good man is suffering horribly from the trauma of being forcibly separated from his daughter just plain makes me angry. The vitriol and venom being spewed by her mother appears to be just that; venom and vitriol, and unfortunately, the one she is hurting the most is her own daughter. The fact that the court system refuses to look beneath the surface of false accusations to the heart of what is really going on makes me angrier still. How can anyone (let alone the people who are supposed to be looking out for this little girl’s best interests) sit idly by and allow this to happen?! Not only is it cruel to the man involved, it is appalling to realize that a beautiful, innocent little girl is being used as a pawn in her mother’s sick game of revenge. The self-centeredness on display here will undoubtedly be damaging to this child, to her future, and to her future relationships with both men and women. It’s painfully obvious how this will pan out for her. This poor child will grow up learning how to be manipulative, conniving, spiteful and self-seeking. There is a very special bond between fathers and their daughters, this I know beyond any shadow of a doubt, because of the unique bond I have with my father (who I am reminded of by the man here in question, and that is a high compliment indeed). Having this bond be so violently and needlessly torn is bound to create a lasting resentment. How is this girl supposed to learn what a “good man” is without the example set to her by her father? How is she to learn what love is without having it demonstrated by the adults in her life? How is she supposed to learn what an adult relationship should be without ever seeing one? How is she to learn what it means to be a good woman when she has never seen a specimen of one? This seems to be too much to ask of any child. As parents we are supposed to be the mature ones, the role models, the guides to this very complicated thing called life.

I understand completely that in any adult relationship, there are challenges that are going to arise. That is a part of living life, and a part of it that can be extremely educational, provided it is approached correctly and with an open mind. In going through a divorce, I’ve learned that even if I am no longer a wife, I will ALWAYS be a mother, and I will ALWAYS be a daughter. I feel that in many ways, the relationship of separated parents can carry even more of a positive impact on the innocent children involved. As parents, our primary responsibility is to give our children every opportunity to learn how to be a successful human being. The children involved are in a unique position to learn from our mistakes as well as our own. I’ve come to realize as I’ve gotten into adulthood that my parents (who are still married, by the way) are human too, and by nature, imperfect. Never, though, should a child be put in a position to be penalized for the mistakes (real or imagined) of either of her parents. A child is not a tool to be used to inflict pain on another, nor is she leverage. Putting a child in this position only teaches them one thing: how to use others for personal gain. One thing I have strived for in going through my divorce is that my son be shown how to rise above petty differences and do what needs to be done with grace and poise, no matter what my personal feelings are toward his father. This is the example that should be set, and maintained, or I fear history is doomed to repeat itself. No individual gets through life without bruises and scars, and those wounds either destroy us or make us stronger. It is entirely within our power to work through, work past, or work around these injuries. I feel a good person uses them to build herself up rather than tear another person down. Learning how to deal with conflict is an uncomfortable fact of life, creating it for the sake of destroying another is inhumane.

I fully accept that being an outsider to this particular situation comes with both pros and cons. As I said, there are three sides to every story, and I’ve only met this little girl once. The things I do know, however, influence my feelings and opinions in a major way. As a rule, I adopt a “live and let live” policy toward life, but certain injustices I feel cannot stand, and need to be fought. I feel as both a mother and a daughter that when an innocent girl is being willfully denied the love she deserves and being cruelly used as a weapon, I need to speak up on her behalf. I would hope that someone would do the same for my child if the roles were reversed. How can a mother that supposedly loves her children sit by while her daughter cries to see her father? How can she be so vindictive as to fabricate lies that will potentially land him in jail? How can she reach out to various outsiders to acquire “ammunition” to be used against him in court? How can she manipulate the system to force a good, hardworking man toward bankruptcy? How can she maintain that she is any kind of mother (let alone human) and allow to continue the longest-running supervised visit marathon in the history of Sonoma County’s family court system? What possible justification could there be for her despicable treatment of not only her daughter’s father, but her daughter too? I’m searching my brain, and cannot for the life of me conclude something that makes sense. I feel that most of the convicted criminals in our penal system get fairer treatment than this little girl and her doting father. It is just plain wrong.

-Amy Smith

In September 2012, one hour after Ralph broke off a two-year engagement, his fiancee called the police and hit him with a false allegation. She alleged that during an argument an hour earlier, he had threatened to abduct their child. Up until that moment, he was lauded for his parenting abilities. He raised the daughter he shared with this woman for the first 15 months of her life, taking her everywhere he could, teaching her everything he knew, and sharing with her the way he shared with and parented this woman's four other children from multiple partners. Ralph would be the fifth man in this woman's life who she accused of wrongdoing. Among the others: a former husband who she claimed made sexual overtures to one of her daughters; a husband before him who she said abandoned her; a boyfriend who she said raped her in high school; and an even earlier husband who she said she had to leave because of...well, you get the idea. The only man in her life who really left her and, in the process left her damaged for life, was...her dad. She said her mother kicked him out of the house when she was only 14. You don't have to have a PhD to see what's really going on here. As one high-profile Los Angeles social worker stated: "R------- is making every man in her life pay for her daddy's debt." Only you cannot ever get back the loss of a father's love. And you certainly cannot get it back by separating other men from their children. She is, in effect, punishing her children, and the daughter she shares with Ralph, in a strange effort to kill her own pain. This blog is the opportunity for Ralph's closest friends to vent their rage at what they've watched him and little LuLu endure for more than 30 months. Nothing here has been edited. It's as raw as the wound this woman is inflicting on little LuLu.

What happens to LuLu’s heart when she grows up? Her mother is using the legal system for spiteful retribution, while seemingly ignoring the impact that losing contact with her father will have on this child’s future, her psyche, and her ability to accept love and feel secure in relationships. When a female child loses her father by whatever means, the void it leaves is often permanent and has severe impact on her ability to trust love that is offered, or believe that she will ever be truly safe in love. By refusing continued contact between father and daughter, the most essential barometer for a woman’s future relationships, this mother is quite literally condemning her own child to a life of heartbreak and loneliness. Can this mother who professes to love and want to protect her child, see past her own pain long enough to give her daughter back the healthy, loving relationship she had with her father? THAT is love. What is happening now is cruel, and it will most likely come back to haunt when this girl is a young adult and knows why she was denied her father’s love, and who did the denying. This is a test of how true this mother’s love for her daughter really is. What is more important to her – winning a fight or seeing her daughter happy and loved in her adulthood?

I know this man. He is a sensitive, caring, helpful person, a true friend, and he had enough love in his heart to take on

4 of this woman’s children. It takes a HUGE heart to raise someone else’s kids. This should speak to how much he loves his OWN daughter. I have had to stand by and watch this man’s heart break, and it makes me….very, very angry. He does not deserve this. She should be ashamed of herself for perpetrating such ridiculous lies about this man, and the shameless hypocrites in her church should search their souls and be aware that what they are condoning and supporting is the biggest sin of all. She is denying an innocent little girl her father’s love and she doesn’t seem to care what a devastating thing this will do to her daughter’s future in terms of relationships. I agree wholeheartedly that this woman’s past and her pattern needs to be brought up in court. No question. Women who lie like this and rip a child from her father for NO SUPPORTABLE REASON WHATSOEVER need to face a jury to see how that story would hold up under oath. Perjury means jail time. I wonder if this woman fully realizes the hole she is digging for herself, if not legally, then in the hatred her daughter will feel for her years from now.

- L. MacMillan

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People always shake their head in amazement and skepticism at made for TV movies on Lifetime based on real stories and say “How can things in real life be that horrible?” The short answer is you would be amazed.

In December, 2010 a really dear friend of mine from high school got engaged. I was so very happy for him. I did not know much about his intended other than a rather rocky past and quite a few children, but figured she looked nice enough even if she seemed to have a hard time in photos smiling and my friend, well, he was so over the moon happy with this woman.

We’re not teenagers any more and this woman brought kids into her relationship with my friend. My friend is a very emotionally generous person and had been doing the single dude thing for so long I thought it was terrific. And I knew those kids were lucky to get someone like him in their lives. After all, some people don’t want to be step-parents to the children of others.

Now my friend and I grew up minutes from each other and he went to one of the private schools many of my friends came from. But for years now he had been out on the west coast. So a lot of our communication over the years was by phone, e-mail, letters, and Facebook. So I had watched from afar as my friend fell in love with this woman. He was so happy. They were creating their own family unit and he loved her kids. Then came the news she was expecting.

My friend discovered he was going to be a father. He was, quite simply put, over the moon. Then on Tuesday, June 28th his daughter was born in sunny Petaluma, CA. My friend was a dad.

He took to fatherhood like a duck to water. We as his friends shared their joys and Baby Girl’s every step. Baby Girl is a magically beautiful child and there is no doubt whose genes were dominant – she is a mini me to her devoted dad. The only thing at this point that gave me pause was the fact this woman seemed to be dragging my friend deeper and deeper into this church which seemed a little too California cult-like to me. Sorry, but I am who I am and I come from a traditional religion.

Time passed and in September 2012, his friends received the jolt of a lifetime: he was out of the house and this woman was trying to get a restraining order out on him to keep him that way. He was barred from seeing his daughter, the now ex had all his stuff, and there he was wondering why he just got run over by an 18 wheeler.

Skeptics out there might say he must have done something wrong, and to them I say he might be many things but my friend is not an abuser of anything or anyone. He is not perfect, he is human complete with all the dents life gives you by your late 40s but he is honorable.

Besides, this is ironically the third case I know about where exes (women) are using the legal system to their advantage. For example, I know another man in NJ who dates one of my very close friends and he is going through a version of this. His case is even stranger because his now soon to be ex wife wanted the divorce. He acquiesced and became accustomed to the idea and started to move on with his life with someone else (my friend), and whammo, all of a sudden he is an abuser. He has been fighting these charges brought on by his soon to be ex-wife for months and in his case his soon to be ex-wife continues to contact him when she should be speaking through her lawyers (After all, one would expect a woman in fear for her safety would not seek constant, direct contact for minutia the attorneys are supposed to handle, right?)

I have a HUGE problem with women who work the system like this. I have zero respect for women who work the system to merely keep a home court advantage. It’s like women who cry rape and later it is proven rape did not occur. Women who work the system to their own selfish ends make it that much harder for women actually in need. After all, it takes two to make a relationship, get pregnant, and break a relationship.

So now my friend has to scramble to pick up the pieces of his life. He has not seen his daughter in over 30 months by my count. I mean, what kind of judicial system is it that doesn’t allow a father to see his daughter on Christmas or puts a dad who was the primary caregiver for more than a year in the position where he can only see his child three hours a week? And because of the bogus restraining order it kind of makes it hard and down right dangerous for him to even attempt court supervised visits. Why? Because this woman has already exercised the order on him for coincidentally somehow being in a store too close to her in the same SMALL town they were both living in until recently….and isn’t that crazy? He wasn’t attempting to see her and was getting a cup of coffee or something innocuous and whammo he gets a police visit?

What is wrong with the judicial system in California? I am kind of surprised that a state that is often more forward thinking because of its Trendy Wendyiness for lack of a better description wouldn’t be more fair. What happened to a father’s rights?

Nowhere have I heard my friend speak of taking primary physical custody, let alone taking his daughter anywhere. He just wants his parental rights. He was not some anonymous sperm donor and he’s not some impregnating baby daddy who bolts at conception and/or birth. He wanted this child, he loves this child, he wants to see and spend time with his child. Real time, not pizza time.

Of course now that this is all unfolding there are many sad details of his ex-fiancee’s life coming to light. I will spare my readers the details as I think this is a woman with deep-seeded issues and we’ll leave it at that. But I am of the opinion that the California legal system needs to take off the protect-the-woman-at-all-costs blinders and look to this woman’s life before she was in my friend's life. And then these esteemed professionals in California’s system have to ask is this the first time she has worked the system? Is it possible for one woman to have so many issues with her multiple prior baby daddies or is there something else not being seen clearly or fairly?

And a little shout out to this “church” that this woman dragged my friend into. You see, when this all began, like a good Christian my friend went to their pastor and kind of said “what do I do?” I hear this pastor person gave some solid counsel at the outset. But soon the tides turned. Behind the scenes, and inspired by his ex-fiancee, church members traded accusations — one of them went so far as to threaten him with physical violence on his Facebook page. Right there in black and white for all to see. Whoa. There’s Christianity at its best, right? So why is it all these good Christians have turned their back on him? It was all ducky and peach preserves until someone cried wolf, so what up with that? To these God-fearing hypocrites I suggest they brush up on their Matthew – Judge not, that ye be not judged.

A little shout out to his ex: I spared writing about a lot of details his friends and family are privy to. I did that not for your delicate sensibilities, but for my friend and his daughter. Which is also why I did not name you or her by name. What you are doing is wrong, and you know it is wrong. Am I wrong in thinking you have a very destructive pattern? Am I wrong in thinking you need to stop popping out kids from different baby daddies and get to the root of your issues? Girl, you need a shrink and birth control. Relationships end, but fathers have rights too. Moving from man to man and leaving a litter of children with various fathers isn’t going to fix what is wrong, is it?

I am so sad about this. I might never get to meet my friend’s daughter. And the thing that makes me the most sad is somewhere there is a little girl not quite old enough to get what is going on, but old enough to miss and ask where her daddy is. And Baby Girl is a daddy’s girl so I know she’s asking.

Lifetime TV? If you need story ideas, here’s your next moment of truth movie. It is all very sad, and all very true.

-- Carla Zambelli

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Write as little or as much as you would like but as angry and sad as we all are, please try to keep your comments appropriate.

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Posted by Friends of Ralph and LuLu

WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE

'BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD'?

I know LuLu's mother was someone you once loved, so I don't like saying bad things about her, (well, actually I do), but to attempt to ruin her child's birthday party just to hurt you is despicable. She must have a circuit of pure evil somewhere in her brain. What a low, mean-spirited tactic. Was it King Solomon who offered to cut the child in half when two mothers claimed her? Your ex is the one who said, "Cut her in half." Who's the real loving parent here? Who's the grown-up? You won that hands down.

I applaud your ingenuity in managing to resurrect the party. And I loved the photo, by the way. It's a beauty, and she's a beauty. You both look great.

Thanks for letting me share a bit of that day with you. Take care of yourself, Jim.

-- James P.

Want to see the true face of family law? Read this.

How to Spot a Narcissist.

At my age, I don't get emotional much, and I am kind of guarded about believing people anymore. But Ralph, your story just fills me with so much emotion, outrage, sadness, frustration and anger.

I have to say you must be one of the strongest men I know to be able to withstand what you have been put through, and still keep trying to make a connection with your daughter. It has been years that we have been talking about your case, and it just never seems to let up at all. You are a hero to me.

That's the real tragedy, the sheer vindictiveness and criminality of the system. The absolute evil of a government we were all brought up to think was the best in the world. What happened to the LAW?

Are we just a nation if ignoramuses who can ignore 500 years of legal evolution?

Ralph Man, I have to applaud you for making yourself visible. I know it is a HUGE risk for you. But only with people like you will we affect change. In my industry, electronics (I work for NViDIA and I worked for 3Com for many years)

we have very well developed systems for process improvement, we call it "MAKING PROBLEMS VISIBLE" or MPV.

That's how you keep process problems from becoming dangerous. In my opinion our state government needs a huge dose of MPV and that's what you have been doing. Not many people are willing to take up the task.

Ralph, you are doing a really good thing man.

Please keep it up and don't let anyone tell you are going too far.

-J. Altizer

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